Decisions, decisions...
Trying to figure out if I should spend 2 1/2 weeks with Patrick in DC, temping, unwinding a bit before my big summer job at Brandeis, reconnecting to an old friend... OR, should I try to change my flight, stay in Israel longer, go to Eliezer and Sararose's wedding, work the soil of Eretz Yisrael, study more Torah, and be here, which is my home, if not forever, at least for now.
I mean, I already have the ticket to fly on June 1, so inertia has me going to DC for the 2 1/2 weeks in question.
This decision isn't as big a deal as I might make it sound. It will happen. Something will happen.
I don't feel prepared. I haven't been focused on being a vessel for Divine Emanation. I lashed out in anger at a friend today. I made inappropriate insinuations to someone. I cussed. I ate too much at lunch. So then, how serious am I regarding the real potential of a Holy Day to bring into the world and into my soul the realities which the day symbolizes? If we say that tomorrow night commemorates the day that God's Will was revealed to the world, shouldn't I be fully open and focused and prepared to be a worthy recipient of such a revelation? Is it enough to just eat some cheesecake, stay up all night and pay lip-service to the day? If yes, then Shavuot is in danger of becoming yet another meaningless occasion to eat and be festive, like the American Memorial Day or Labor Day. If no, then perhaps I (we) ought to be doing a hell of a lot more to prepare.
{Anyway, I'm rambling perhaps. I want to speak more on this blog, but don't seem to get my tush on task. Take a look at the original posts, from July and August 2005. Who was that Wanderingstu? I'd like to meet him.}
At a picnic in Jerusalem last Shabbat, this chap Mendel, a real character, who, as far as I understand, owns a chicken farm in Thailand and has done time somewhere or other, harassed my pal The Frez and told him that he wasn't giving 100% to his life. At our little luncheon, at least 3 out of 8 picnickers had been on the streets hungry at some point in their lives, feeling, as one guy put it, the acid burning their empty stomachs.
Mendel told Frez that life was crap unless you give it 100%.
Are you giving it 100%
Are you giving it 70%
Am I??
If not, can we really expect that God, the Universe, the Force (as you like it) will give 100% back to us?
Trying to figure out if I should spend 2 1/2 weeks with Patrick in DC, temping, unwinding a bit before my big summer job at Brandeis, reconnecting to an old friend... OR, should I try to change my flight, stay in Israel longer, go to Eliezer and Sararose's wedding, work the soil of Eretz Yisrael, study more Torah, and be here, which is my home, if not forever, at least for now.
I mean, I already have the ticket to fly on June 1, so inertia has me going to DC for the 2 1/2 weeks in question.
This decision isn't as big a deal as I might make it sound. It will happen. Something will happen.
*********
Tomorrow night is Shavuot, the festival that is linked to the Giving of the Torah on Mount Sinai. In Sefer Shemot (the Book of Exodus), God tells the Israelites to prepare themselves for 3 days before the epic event. They are to stay pure, clean and chaste. In practice, we don't make such a big deal about these 3 days before our commemoration of Sinai, but we note them nonetheless, if only marginally.I don't feel prepared. I haven't been focused on being a vessel for Divine Emanation. I lashed out in anger at a friend today. I made inappropriate insinuations to someone. I cussed. I ate too much at lunch. So then, how serious am I regarding the real potential of a Holy Day to bring into the world and into my soul the realities which the day symbolizes? If we say that tomorrow night commemorates the day that God's Will was revealed to the world, shouldn't I be fully open and focused and prepared to be a worthy recipient of such a revelation? Is it enough to just eat some cheesecake, stay up all night and pay lip-service to the day? If yes, then Shavuot is in danger of becoming yet another meaningless occasion to eat and be festive, like the American Memorial Day or Labor Day. If no, then perhaps I (we) ought to be doing a hell of a lot more to prepare.
{Anyway, I'm rambling perhaps. I want to speak more on this blog, but don't seem to get my tush on task. Take a look at the original posts, from July and August 2005. Who was that Wanderingstu? I'd like to meet him.}
At a picnic in Jerusalem last Shabbat, this chap Mendel, a real character, who, as far as I understand, owns a chicken farm in Thailand and has done time somewhere or other, harassed my pal The Frez and told him that he wasn't giving 100% to his life. At our little luncheon, at least 3 out of 8 picnickers had been on the streets hungry at some point in their lives, feeling, as one guy put it, the acid burning their empty stomachs.
Mendel told Frez that life was crap unless you give it 100%.
Are you giving it 100%
Are you giving it 70%
Am I??
If not, can we really expect that God, the Universe, the Force (as you like it) will give 100% back to us?
4 comments:
Seeking G-d is not an 'all or nothing' exercise. I'm not sure what giving 100% means exactly, but I would dare say that G-d will respond to us even if we only give 5%. Whatever we deserve and/or need, Hashem will provide.
A lot of people give 100% of their effort in life but to the wrong ends, e.g. money, epicurean delights, fame, bodily strength, satisfying sexual appetites, ad infinitum. Giving as much as one can to a positive end is admirable, but if I'm not sure I can do that, better for me to cool off down to, perhaps, 80%, and use the rest to stay sane and oriented.
---
Chag sameach!
Hmmmmmm... 2 1/2 weeks could buy you just enough time to be around BA for something really great.
keep the ticket.
you need time to transition and unwind before embarking on this brandeis thing. and as far as 100% is concerned, it's all relative, and I wouldn't focus on punishing yourself for what you're not doing, rather, recognizing that this Shavuot, this is where you're at. If you can figure out why, or what is making you in this place, then perhaps you'll be better prepared for your next journey. We can be giving 100% and not be "on" all the time. It dosn't mean that we're not read to recieve openly.
Anyway, I haven't e-mailed in a while, so thought I'd engage in a post.
i think there's been a lot of static lately .. trying to trip me up .. especially in the week of malchut.. the week before shavuot..
so, yeah, it's crazy, it's like the yetzer harah is pulling out all the stops, and here i am, day after shavuot, and i spent two hours trying to pray without being depressed.. not because of any legitimate reason to be sad, it's coming from outside of me, but the net result is, i just want to cry. so instead i just slow down and take more time, and do anything necesary just not to be sad right now.
and it's exhausting :)
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