That's it

Everything is packed- the bag is packed, and the caravan (trailer home) is all cleaned up and all my stuff put in the closet or the back bedroom so the rest of the space can be used for guests over the summer.

Squeakers is officially on the streets, the sheets and towels are all washed and folded. One plant, recently infested by ants, has been dumped on the front yard, on top of the cigarette butts, dog-eaten diapers and David Fuchs' old pants (right next to a discarded toilet brush-- this is trailer living, folks).

It's good-- I look forward to this summer: quality time with Patrick, doing some professional Torah writing, hanging out in New England with family and, of course, teaching again for the first time in 2 years. Wow!

I went to the ma'ayan (ritual bath fed by a natural spring) and purified my this and that so I can fly to America straight and on task.

Right now, I am naked as the day I was born (plus 2 earrings and more hair in most places), about to take my final shower here in Bat Ayin before heading down for 2 more hours of study. After that, beer and Spiderman in Jerusalem, and then the cab to the airport picks me up a little before 2am outside the "Paht Junction Skewer House."

Chicken hearts, anyone?

The Unshakeable Truth of God's Glory

This is part of an email I wrote to someone about my relationship to all this religious stuff. I think there are some insights here that y'all would want to see. I have always intended to open some of my thoughts and wrestlings here on the 'stu, but have been lazy, and never sat to do so. I haven't proofread it to see if it's blogworthy. Chances are, I might read it over in a week or a month and find some glaring fallacies.

Or not.
______________

NOTHING I do religiously is to appease the anger of a jealous and vengeful Deity. I don't know if there is such a Deity out there. It seems silly to me. (though i leave room for the fact that i might be wrong).

i struggle constantly with God. usually i relate to God as the Universe, the Unity of all that exists- all physical matter and all that which is beyond the physical, that i cannot perceive very well nor conceive. I personally- I, Stuart Bennett Siegel- do not relate to a threatening God, and demanding God, a punishing God. Even the idea of a commanding God- which is perhaps the central tenet of Judaism- is tricky for me. yes, there is tons of that imagery in the Bible. But it is clearly impossible that THAT is the "personality" of God. If God is the Unity of All, how could It be angry or jealous?? The descriptions of God as such must be allegory, or humans' limited perspective of the Universe, but not the reality of God. Many of the Jewish philosophers have dealt with this issue.

When I pray or do rituals, it is part of an large-scale project to align my soul, my being with the universe, with a higher modality than the base, physical world of pleasures and pain which has shown itself (to folks like me and you and many we know) to be so fruitless and alienating. Even before I got into Judaism, maybe from LSD-i dunno, I believed that the Universe was a unified whole, and that our minds had power to transcend that which we see before us and enter into a more fluid intercourse with that Unity of which we are a part.

trippy shit, and it turns out that that is at the core of Judaism.

i don't believe much in Truth. I DO believe that the Rabbis (your Pharisees) had, many of them, insights into mystical secrets of the universe which pervade all of there teachings, even if imperceptibly. By connecting to their Tradition, there is a chance that i will also be able to "Feel the Force" as Han Solo might put it.

To claim that the Rabbinic tradition is just a clever way to control people, subjugate women and be racist by instilling the fear of God is to make an uneducated and immature generalization about a tradition that is far too complex to have such a simplisitc (and paranoid) purpose.

when I make a blessing, i am not trying to assuage the bubbling wrath of an insecure God. i am participating in a Tradition that has been with my people for thousands of years, and i am trying through the power of ritual and tradition (and maybe a little mystical incantation), to connect more deeply to the Universe. Does it happen at that moment, every time? No. But it is another piece, which is hopefully building something within my being.

i don't know much about the Christian faiths, but i tend to see them as demanding one principle of belief that is an all-or-nothing bright line. No Jesus, no religion.

Judaism is nothing like that. There are elements of belief, there are ritual practices, there are mystical pathways to Divinity, there are disciplines of self-betterment, there is the history of the people, there is the bloodline, there's the corned beef.... people connect to their Jewishness in various ways-- some folks are religious anti-Zionists. some are secular Zionists. Some love to study Jewish Law and hate the mushy stuff, some ignore the Law and love to hug and bless each other.

you have to stop thinking of it as monolithic. Judaism is the opposite of monolothic religion.

if i didn't see that my connection to Halakha (the laws of Judaism) and Torah would allow me to continue to be as iconoclastic, skeptical and sensual as i pride myself on being, i wouldn't be here.

One more

Shabbat Shalom, everyone, my last one in Israel for a while.

Delicate Stu and the Pain of Anonymous Comments

Aw man-- that last anonymous comment: is someone just suggesting that amazing things can happen in Israel and I mayas well maximize my time here because, who knows?

OR is the comment an allusion to a specific "something really great"???

Gettin' Grown

Decisions, decisions...

Trying to figure out if I should spend 2 1/2 weeks with Patrick in DC, temping, unwinding a bit before my big summer job at Brandeis, reconnecting to an old friend... OR, should I try to change my flight, stay in Israel longer, go to Eliezer and Sararose's wedding, work the soil of Eretz Yisrael, study more Torah, and be here, which is my home, if not forever, at least for now.

I mean, I already have the ticket to fly on June 1, so inertia has me going to DC for the 2 1/2 weeks in question.

This decision isn't as big a deal as I might make it sound. It will happen. Something will happen.

*********

Tomorrow night is Shavuot, the festival that is linked to the Giving of the Torah on Mount Sinai. In Sefer Shemot (the Book of Exodus), God tells the Israelites to prepare themselves for 3 days before the epic event. They are to stay pure, clean and chaste. In practice, we don't make such a big deal about these 3 days before our commemoration of Sinai, but we note them nonetheless, if only marginally.

I don't feel prepared. I haven't been focused on being a vessel for Divine Emanation. I lashed out in anger at a friend today. I made inappropriate insinuations to someone. I cussed. I ate too much at lunch. So then, how serious am I regarding the real potential of a Holy Day to bring into the world and into my soul the realities which the day symbolizes? If we say that tomorrow night commemorates the day that God's Will was revealed to the world, shouldn't I be fully open and focused and prepared to be a worthy recipient of such a revelation? Is it enough to just eat some cheesecake, stay up all night and pay lip-service to the day? If yes, then Shavuot is in danger of becoming yet another meaningless occasion to eat and be festive, like the American Memorial Day or Labor Day. If no, then perhaps I (we) ought to be doing a hell of a lot more to prepare.

{Anyway, I'm rambling perhaps. I want to speak more on this blog, but don't seem to get my tush on task. Take a look at the original posts, from July and August 2005. Who was that Wanderingstu? I'd like to meet him.}

At a picnic in Jerusalem last Shabbat, this chap Mendel, a real character, who, as far as I understand, owns a chicken farm in Thailand and has done time somewhere or other, harassed my pal The Frez and told him that he wasn't giving 100% to his life. At our little luncheon, at least 3 out of 8 picnickers had been on the streets hungry at some point in their lives, feeling, as one guy put it, the acid burning their empty stomachs.

Mendel told Frez that life was crap unless you give it 100%.

Are you giving it 100%
Are you giving it 70%
Am I??

If not, can we really expect that God, the Universe, the Force (as you like it) will give 100% back to us?

Lost Wallet, redux

Found it. More on that later

Lost Wallet, part 1

People are funny- Thus far, I have told three people that I think I lost my wallet. All of them immediately took on the role of detective, and tried to help me "retrace my steps" to locate the lost item. I posted a note here at the yeshiva just in case some comes across it. My fear is that I will spend tomorrow "retracing" with 25 different detectives.

Just as silly is the fact that I posted a LOST WALLET note at the Yeshiva. The damn thing is filled with pictures of me and cards with my name on it. If someone here found it, I reckon they would know to whom it belonged.

When I was at the Option Institute, I decided that I was going to live my life WHOLEHEARTEDLY from that day forth. If that were true, utterly true, this post would be far more engaging, particularly that first paragraph.

Did you know that I have to GO BACK TO FLORIDA to replace my (possibly) lost Drivers' License? Uh....

Did you know that Israeli teenagers spend like $1000 taking over 20 mandatory driving lessons before they can be licensed? Unreal. As the holder of an American drivers' license, I only have to take 2 lessons----

oh crap!!! What if they need to SEE the license to give me the exemption?

It's 700 miles from DC, where I will be in 3 weeks, to Northern Florida-- what are the chances??

The Heavens Speak; The Land Rejoices

Beach day?

It is more than a month since Israel's rainy season ended, and it is pouring. After some awesomely hot days earlier this week, today opened with a gentle breeze and a cloud-covered sky. We had had a few drops of rain on Monday or Tuesday, and today teased a bit, then gave way with a consistent afternoon drizzle, a light drizzle that brought out that delicious moist earth smell. Now, nearing 1:00 AM, the downpour begins, with a flash of lightning and a generous crack. Nothing like the insane, whipping winds and crashing thunder of the Bat Ayin winter storms, but a real rain nonetheless.

I have plans to hit the beach in Ashkelon tomorrow afternoon, before Shabbat at the immigrant absorption center with a horde of eager Ethiopian kids. They call me "Shemesh," which means "sun," and is derived, sort of, from my Hebrew name (which most people in Israel use to address me), "Shimshon," which means "Samson," and in Hebrew via David Bowie clearly means "The Sun Machine."

On the merit of my Hebrew name and my good times with the Ethiopian kids, may we have a little sunshine over the beach tomorrow afternoon...

The Moon is Full

Last time I posted, it was before Pesach (Passover). Now it's a month later. The moon looks to be pretty full tonite. When I walked up to take some garbage to the dumpster, it it hit me in the eye from behind the hill. I got emotional, I felt lonely, I wanted to cry. It was just me and my garbage and I felt like I no longer knew how to love the moon, or how to share it with friends.

It's been a month since I dreamed about George Bush. Good things have happened, and good things have not happened. Learning has been good and invigorating, and learning has been painful and frustrating. I have not prayed much. I spent two weeks dealing with various infections. I explored the pathways of love and relationship. I doubted, dreaded, lamented, complained, opted out, hid, slept, indulged, regretted, wondered, raged, degraded. Among other things, like singing and smiling and laughing. Always laughing. Even in the lowest place, I can laugh. I didn't cry. I don't think I cried.

I always wonder about this blog- what IS it? A chronicle of interesting events? A journal of contemplations? A confessional of horrors and despairs? Because when I feel low, I worry that it is not right to post it to the world. What if some possible employer or future student were to see the {gasp} truth of how I operated in this world? And when I'm rolling on a good wave, I never want to bother to sit here and let it all out....

Have I fallen out of love with this blog?

Have I fallen out of love with you? Heaven forfend.

So some of you have written, asking for more. One of you even called today, theorizing that I held back from posting to force folks to reach out by phone. Some of you don't give a rat's ass. Good for you.

In any event, and girded against all eventualities, here is a post for you. I am leaving Israel for the summer in one month. Until then, trying to learn a thing or two. Maybe just a thing.