I had a wonderfully nasty urge to post a delightfully vitriolic bit here about people's Emotional Cowardice-- how people can't be honest and loving and giving even (or especially) when they know that someone they love is in need. I mean, if your wife tells you that she loves flowers, especially on a gloomy day, then bring her some damn flowers. What does it take? How many flags need to be waved in a person's face before he opens his heart a little to someone he claims to love?
So. A few minutes ago, sitting outside and writing a letter that no one will read, I got extremely pissed at someone who doesn't bother to call, even though he KNOWS that that call would make a huge difference to me (don't worry, it's not you... and yeah, I know I could call him, or you, but at some points in life, you just wanna feel the need). And then I started thinking about the people who make excuses not to call people before Yom Kippur, even though they KNOW that the entire spiritual outlay of the coming year is (in theory) based on the repairing of last year's hurts.
And oh, did I get all self-righteous and sad and pissed. And oh, do I know that it ain't pretty to talk about such things on a fun website like Wanderingstu.com, especially if it leads to domino-effect revelations of my less-attractive personality traits/flaws. Like bitterness. Or inability to let go.
Or hypocrisy?
A week or so ago, when I first remembered that certain people hadn't even TRIED to make amends with me, I realized that there was one person in particular to whom I owed a call and an apology. So I called her immediately (see that? see how amazing and righteous I am???).
She said: "Come off it, Shim, that's old news, I'm over it."
(some people are resilient, like i said a few posts ago)
But what I DIDN'T do after that one call was apologize to all the other people who I've wronged, towards whom I know specifically that I have acted cruddy (not that there's so many). What to do? I'm gonna send an email to one of those people right now. And beyond that, I guess I'll ask you all for forgiveness RIGHT HERE, then just fall into the pile with the rest of the schleppers, who still owe me attention.
Frickin' hypocrite, me.
__________
by the way-- the first annual Wanderingstu Bloody Heart Award for maintaining sweetness and support in the face of extreme whining and self-deprecation goes to:
ed's note: due to the overwrought nature of the above post, the previously scheduled post entitled, "Shabbat is coming and I have nowhere to go and I am so damn lonely- Christ won't someone feel bad for me," originally slated for this afternoon, has been cancelled.
So. A few minutes ago, sitting outside and writing a letter that no one will read, I got extremely pissed at someone who doesn't bother to call, even though he KNOWS that that call would make a huge difference to me (don't worry, it's not you... and yeah, I know I could call him, or you, but at some points in life, you just wanna feel the need). And then I started thinking about the people who make excuses not to call people before Yom Kippur, even though they KNOW that the entire spiritual outlay of the coming year is (in theory) based on the repairing of last year's hurts.
And oh, did I get all self-righteous and sad and pissed. And oh, do I know that it ain't pretty to talk about such things on a fun website like Wanderingstu.com, especially if it leads to domino-effect revelations of my less-attractive personality traits/flaws. Like bitterness. Or inability to let go.
Or hypocrisy?
A week or so ago, when I first remembered that certain people hadn't even TRIED to make amends with me, I realized that there was one person in particular to whom I owed a call and an apology. So I called her immediately (see that? see how amazing and righteous I am???).
She said: "Come off it, Shim, that's old news, I'm over it."
(some people are resilient, like i said a few posts ago)
But what I DIDN'T do after that one call was apologize to all the other people who I've wronged, towards whom I know specifically that I have acted cruddy (not that there's so many). What to do? I'm gonna send an email to one of those people right now. And beyond that, I guess I'll ask you all for forgiveness RIGHT HERE, then just fall into the pile with the rest of the schleppers, who still owe me attention.
Frickin' hypocrite, me.
__________
by the way-- the first annual Wanderingstu Bloody Heart Award for maintaining sweetness and support in the face of extreme whining and self-deprecation goes to:
- Avraham Eliezer and Shoshana Guggenheim-Tertes
- Chana Hinda and Alan Frazin
- Jennifer Berkowitz
- Honorable Mention- Rav Natan Greenberg
ed's note: due to the overwrought nature of the above post, the previously scheduled post entitled, "Shabbat is coming and I have nowhere to go and I am so damn lonely- Christ won't someone feel bad for me," originally slated for this afternoon, has been cancelled.
2 comments:
hey why is it every time i talk to someone from isreal and i say "i haven't been there." they act as if i just ran over there little dog. i thought it was i our hearts. and why do you need so much forgiveness for anyways? as humans its our responsbility to mess up. it part of the programing. if thing were all nice nice then we wouldn't have any great holidays. we would just work weekends and never go on vaction. what would be the use of reverance?? what would we do if everybody was happy all the time?? i dred to think of those consiquences!!!
lukas ja sherzer
Yes, i know the whole argument, Lukas, that if we were happy all the time, it would be horrific, or at least boring. But a great Rabbi with a purple hat once said: Remember what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he ever dreamed of... He lived happily ever after
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