It seems like most wanderingstu posts are cute, happy, fun, or, if at all negative, then mildly sad, or a little cheeky and bitter, but not outright outrageously blue. Why do I keep this space so sanitized? Some thoughts
- to protect you, gentle reader
- just in case those people with that amazing job offer pop over here
- so that some girl I like doesn't realize how screwed up I am
- to avoid an influx of well-intentioned but cloyingly affirming advice
- so that her lawyers don't find out the truth
but I'm not on the job market, all the girls I know are aware of my insanity, I can always erase your comments if they are too sickly-sweet.......... so what am I afraid of?
So here you go--
Maybe I'm not interested in anything anymore. I fall asleep in class. And when I am not falling asleep, I am wondering why I am listening to this stuff. It happened at HUC as well, so don't try to pull that card. I used to (I think) be excited about Jewish stuff, about the words of the prophets, about the prospect of learning these texts real good and being able to use them homiletically, about the radical message of interresponsibility to be found in the Bible, about the question of the human soul, about myth and truth and destiny and symbology, about all kinds of things.
I used to sit in my room (in the early-mid 80s) and play with Smurfs and Star Wars figures and GI Joe and have epic adventures that lasted hours, days, weeks-- all-consuming. I did have a brief phase of lego obsession about 2 1/2 years ago, but even then it was buying them and not creating with them. I get all-consumed over a woman now and again, as many of you may know. I love Vietnamese noodle soup and karaoke....
But I fall asleep in class. And even when I don't fall asleep, I don't know that I give a shit -- pardon my language-- that I give a rat's ass about any of it for more than an hour or two at a time. I kinda don't want to do anything. I mean, there's things I want to want to do, like the Yoga I am supposed to be doing right now, according to my schedule. But there's nothing I really want to do. (well, almost)
And that's a big problem. It ain't about "being hard on myself," it's about doing anything in this world. How can one do if one is bleh? (don't answer)
anyway.
___________
Jeffrey Weill just called and invited me to join his family on a little Dead Sea vacation this weekend. That would be nice. They just had a bris for their new kid, Sammy Emmett, whose name in hebrew, Shmuel Emet, means Sammy Truth.
wicked.
So here you go--
Maybe I'm not interested in anything anymore. I fall asleep in class. And when I am not falling asleep, I am wondering why I am listening to this stuff. It happened at HUC as well, so don't try to pull that card. I used to (I think) be excited about Jewish stuff, about the words of the prophets, about the prospect of learning these texts real good and being able to use them homiletically, about the radical message of interresponsibility to be found in the Bible, about the question of the human soul, about myth and truth and destiny and symbology, about all kinds of things.
I used to sit in my room (in the early-mid 80s) and play with Smurfs and Star Wars figures and GI Joe and have epic adventures that lasted hours, days, weeks-- all-consuming. I did have a brief phase of lego obsession about 2 1/2 years ago, but even then it was buying them and not creating with them. I get all-consumed over a woman now and again, as many of you may know. I love Vietnamese noodle soup and karaoke....
But I fall asleep in class. And even when I don't fall asleep, I don't know that I give a shit -- pardon my language-- that I give a rat's ass about any of it for more than an hour or two at a time. I kinda don't want to do anything. I mean, there's things I want to want to do, like the Yoga I am supposed to be doing right now, according to my schedule. But there's nothing I really want to do. (well, almost)
And that's a big problem. It ain't about "being hard on myself," it's about doing anything in this world. How can one do if one is bleh? (don't answer)
anyway.
___________
Jeffrey Weill just called and invited me to join his family on a little Dead Sea vacation this weekend. That would be nice. They just had a bris for their new kid, Sammy Emmett, whose name in hebrew, Shmuel Emet, means Sammy Truth.
wicked.
10 comments:
So Dr. Stu...
"you and I are very much alike... ...Our methods have not differed as much as you pretend. I am but a shadowy reflection of you. It would take only a nudge to make you like me. To push you out of the light."
100 points for anyone who can identify where the quote is from... no cheating. ;-)
Belloch.
Well, for me, this was the best post you've made in your blog. Honesty always translates to good writing, even if it's not written particularly well (not that your post wasn't written well).
I remember your Smurf collection!
I hadn't thought about those in probably 20 smurfin' years, and when I read your mention of them, that smell of the rubber/plastic hit me like I was smelling one of them. Ain't that somethin'.
I wonder why those Smurfs smelled so good. Was it intentional? Or, was it a carcinogenic, DNA-altering side-effect of their Petrochemical composition?
The other bit of your post that stuck out for me was your mention of falling asleep in class. I didn't even know you were taking classes. I thought you were at, like, a Jewish commune, veging out and meditating on the Bible.
I guess since we've been friends for 27 years, some of these big picture, day-to-day details get left out in our conversations.
For example, you may not be aware of my present occupation as a circus geek. No, not for the money, though there's plenty of that, let me tell you. I do it for the art, man...the Stu-art.
I reckon there must have been a better post somewhere in here, Erik. Like the one with pictures of Jesus, or the one about the Palestinian kids swimming.. but I hear you about the Smurf Smell. Smurfin' intoxicating. I think it was not deliberate, but a pleasure akin to huffing. Perhaps smurfhalation poisoning explains the brain clouding you and i suffer these days.
as far as veging out and meditating on the Bible-- Jews in their nutty communes study tiny idiosyncracies of sprawling obscure texts for hours a day. it surely ain't veging out
i had something else to say, but the petrochemicals ate it away
I didn't mean to imply that you were being idle or unproductive.
I can personally attest to the fact, and assure all of those employers out there, that Stuart Siegel is no slouch. He is very productive, studious, efficient and smart. Smurfin' smart, in fact.
And, yeah, I think you're right about the "huffing." You've smurfed the nail on the smurf.
well, to avoid giving this type of response..."well intentioned but cloyingly affirming advice"... i will say this:
This stuff you're studying is intense. you're intense. you attract people that have that same light and love and intensity about them. studying torah at a yeshiva in israel is intense- no matter how you slice it.
sometimes it's just enough. sometimes you're tuckered out. even the most enlightened person gets pooped out from it sometimes. i'd say that you've probably reached your saturation point in one way or another if you're falling alseep in class, or you just stayed out singing your favorite prince songs at your favorite israeli karaoke bar to late.
either way, i think it's good to establish that that you fell asleep at HUC as well. you've been on this journey for a while, and at this point, you chose to not race for the destination point(i.e. having your own pulpit and stay at HUC) but you chose to hang on for the journey of it all, so you could be the rabbi that you would want to have.
sometimes the journey is just exhausting. i think your post was great, and i'm all about the total honesty as well.
I was always partial to the smell of a new Star Wars figure. Now that's good plastic.
i am a big fan of drugs.
used properly, they can help you be more alert, focused, and perhaps improve your mood.
since it's all about the smells.. i'd have to say marvel comics smelled awesome ... i can remember what GIJoes smelled like, and starwars action figures, but no particular attraction there.. (shrug) [also i think i missed the smurfs trend by a year or two]
stu, hope u don't mind my being here, just happened to find your blog today, while procrastinating. (it took me like 10 minutes.. until i realised stewart can be spelled with a "u" ..)
i think i'll go with the obvious response to your post: the whole teaching-a-toddler-to-walk metaphor.(i'm not going to relate it here because i hate boring people with stuff they've heard before, in super short, every time u get close, G-d moves further away) at first all the learning is just fun and new, once you acclimate it gets hard, and u have to kill yourself to see results.. same as physical exercise (tho i'm no pesah on that matter) which brings me to my other point --back in the days when i would exercise i noticed that after doing many push-ups (and feeling dead) it seemed like i was fresh to do sit-ups still, in short, if you switch muscle groups you can exercise more efficiently. Same is true with learning, if you switch it up when your brain feels bored/exhausted, you will be fresh to do something else, switch up the languages (english/hebrew/aramaic) as well, it also helps.
but in case you didn't want solutions, all i have to say is: you riff on your pain really well, it's a shame to not share it w/ the rest of us ;)
(sorry, one last attempted-helpful insight: i think when you enjoyed HUC and when you enjoyed your learning at bat ayin or anywhere, it was always about sharing it with others, relating it to others, i think if it gets too involved in just you, it depresses u. you should try learning in order to write divrei torah to send home to friends/family, i think it'll be more rewarding and more meaningful to you as well)
i like putting my head down on the desk for five minutes-- it's amazing what those five can do=== I also like having a little book of another topic i can always open up to refresh with when one gets to clogged and tired, a jump outside and jumping jacks can re-invigorate, the yeshiva classic- standing in class... but I sense these are mere small time bandades... shorter classes is one real answer- to give in to the 45 minute attention span theory--
sorry for the small minded solutions... doesn't sammy emet sound like emet smith?? a bright future looms...
falling to sleep in class does not mean anything. You do care. Going to class means everything. Being and doing...is everything.
That is a very simplified version .. but maybe it sums it up.
I feel a bit exposed as a blogger. I am more of a blog reader and occasional personal emailer...
I think of you often and want you to know that all of your emotional turmoils are what makes you wonderful.
julie
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